


I'm Not a Good Person

by bisexualdisaster221



Series: The Spider System [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia, Character Study, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Communication, Defense Mechanisms, Depersonalization, Derealization, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dormancy, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Lack of Communication, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Peter Parker has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, READ THE TW PLEASE, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, take care of urself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26088055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualdisaster221/pseuds/bisexualdisaster221
Summary: Keagan knew he wasn't a good person, but when it came to Peter, he tried his fucking hardest to be one.Or: A detailed look into the system's gatekeeper and secondary protector, and how he comes to the realization that he can't shut everyone out anymore.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Original Male Character(s)
Series: The Spider System [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892590
Comments: 16
Kudos: 235





	I'm Not a Good Person

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER AND TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not have DID/OSDD, nor do I know anyone personally who has it. All of my information comes from credible sources, Instagram, Tumblr, YouTube, and blogs. I try my hardest to be accurate and informative, so please let me know if anything is incorrect/offensive. See the end for more details about the work.
> 
> Trigger Warnings [I censor them here. I do not censor them in the work]:  
> \- S*xual Ab*se [Keagan endures r*pe in two instances, repeatedly; while it's nothing graphic, it could potentially be triggering]  
> \- D*rmancy [Harry, a fragment and a trauma holder, goes d*rmant after their primary protector forms; again, nothing explicit, but it is mentioned]  
> \- Th*rapy [I don't know if this is triggering at all, but I'll put it here anyway. Keagan attends a th*rapy session where he learns that he has to communicate with the others in order to reconcile with them]  
> \- Self Doubt, Self Deprecation [Keagan explicitly explains on multiple occasions how he hates himself]
> 
> I hope you like the story!

Keagan knew he wasn’t a good person, but when it came to Peter, he tried his fucking hardest to be one. From day one, before he knew who he was, or had picked out a name, or knew why he was there, he knew that he had to protect the little boy who he shared the body with at all costs.

He remembered his first day at the front like it was yesterday, and yet it felt so, so long ago. He’d just formed not even a week prior, and was trying to get used to the busy inner world of Queens, and suddenly, he was thrust into the body of a toddler- a toddler who was in the process of being sexually assaulted.

He felt disgusted as the strange woman’s hands violated every part of the child’s body, but he dealt with it. He knew that the child couldn’t handle it, whoever he was, so he bore it for him. He was older, he could handle it better than a toddler could.

He dealt with it over and over and over again, every time growing more and more disgusted with himself about how he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t make it seem like he was anyone else but the little boy, so he acted like one.

He hated every second of it.

And then, an opportunity made itself known.

He could sense discomfort from the toddler, something that always made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the woman- who he now knew to be the boy’s babysitter- was nowhere in sight. A man and a woman, who he assumed were the boy’s parents, were sitting with him at the dinner table, talking about something he couldn’t hear quite yet.

“Hey sweetie, how do you like the new babysitter?” the toddler’s mom asked, reaching over the table to cut the boy’s chicken for him.

“You hate her,” Keagan whispered, poison lacing his words.

He could feel a strange tug on his lips as the boy frowned. “I dunno,” he muttered, ignoring Keagan.

The mom and dad gave each other a knowing look. Keagan winced as the boy went to kick his legs, feeling the pain course through his body as well.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” the dad asked, a bit hesitantly. Keagan grimaced at the dread pooling in his stomach.

“Tell her that she’s awful,” he spoke up again.

“I dunno what she’s like,” the toddler said firmly, and it was clear now that he could in fact hear Keagan.

“Peter, sweetie, you’ve spent eight hours with her every day for the last month, how do you not know?”

Keagan growled. The toddler- Peter, he now knew- winced. “I just don’t know, mommy. Can I have ketchup, please?”

Keagan wanted to cry out in frustration, but he didn’t want to risk scaring Peter. He gritted his teeth and kept his cool, trying to block out what was going on outside, until he felt a tug, and suddenly he was thrust to the front.

“Peter, what- what are these?!” the mother gasped, looking down at the body’s bruised legs.

Keagan didn’t know what to say- he wasn’t prepared for this! He only knew how to act submissive, he didn’t know how to act like an actual fucking toddler!

“Nothing,” he mumbled, trying to match Peter’s tone earlier.

“Peter, this- this isn’t nothing, sweetie. What on earth happened? Why-” she gulped, “why do they look like handprints? Who did this to you?”

Keagan stayed silent. The mother reached out and grabbed his shoulders.

“Peter. Who. Did. This. To. You.”

He flinched back a little, even though he knew the furious tone wasn’t meant for him. “Babysitter,” he muttered quietly, hunching his shoulders.

The mother paled and looked like she was going to be sick.

“Okay- okay, honey, why don’t we put some cream on those-”

“No!” Keagan shrieked- that part he didn’t have to fake. “No! You can’t touch me down there!”

“Peter, honey, we have to treat them-”

“No!”

“Pete-”

“What on earth is going on up here?!” the father demanded, slamming open the door. Keagan yelped at the sudden noise and startled back. His face went ashen at the sight of the body’s bruises. “Oh- who-”

“Tif,” the mother sniffled, tears cascading down her face, “Tiffany. The baby- the babysitter.”

The father hurried into the room, crouching down in front of him. “Peter, how- what- how long has this been- been going on for?”

Keagan honestly had no idea, so he shrugged.

“How many times did she do this?” he reached out to grasp the body’s shoulders.

“Ten, I think,” Keagan answered truthfully.

The parents took several minutes to digest this information.

“Okay, sweetie. Why don’t you just get dressed? Daddy’ll be in in a minute to tuck you in. We’re gonna talk about this, okay?”

Keagan nodded, already feeling the telltale lightheadedness that came whenever he switched places with Peter. He swayed a little bit and pulled on the discarded clothes, stumbling off in the direction he hoped led to the bedroom.

He was out as soon as he hit the bed.

He never saw the babysitter again, but it was foolish of him to think that his job was over.

He couldn’t let Peter into the inner world. He couldn’t let this precious, innocent little boy know about him, or the world that Keagan lived in. He couldn’t let him remember what had happened to him, what had happened to Keagan, so he didn’t.

He blocked off the memories. A boy, a British teenager named Harry, appeared soon after, offering to take on some of the memories for him. Keagan let him, though his knowledge that it had happened remained, and he blocked Harry off from Peter too. He couldn’t let the innocent little boy know how broken he really was.

It was better that way- at least, he thought it was.  
.  
.  
.  
Keagan was conflicted when Alex split off from Peter.

It had hardly been a year since the last incident, but somehow, Peter was being abused again. There was only so much Keagan and Harry could do to help- Keagan was designed to deal with sexual abuse, not verbal or physical, and Harry was only designed to hold trauma, not live through it.

So, Alex split off, and so did Bean.

Keagan never quite got to know Bean- they were pretty reserved and kept to themself, only taking over the body when Peter was being bullied. They were young, he knew, probably eight or nine at the oldest, and after they formed, Alex was quick to follow.

He didn’t know what to think of the two splitting off. On the one hand, he was grateful for their help, he really was. He was in no way equipped to handle the bullying and torment. On the other hand, he felt a pang of jealousy. He was supposed to keep Peter safe. Alex… she was alright, she helped Peter. He just… wanted to be able to take care of him on his own, without anyone’s help.

“It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

Keagan looked up. Alex stood in front of him, her figure blurred a bit as she moved closer and closer towards the front. Keagan could barely make out the bloodied bathroom tiles and the sound of Peter’s pained sobs.

“I’ll help you,” Alex continued, her voice soothing and slow.

“What am I s’posed to do?” Peter sniffled. Keagan’s chest tightened with every broken word that he choked out. He was a toddler, a baby. Nobody deserved to be in that much pain, let alone a fucking four-year-old.

“Relax,” Alex instructed, “Untense your body.”

Keagan held his breath, releasing it when Peter did as he was told.

“Good job!” she praised, pressing forward even further, “this might feel a little funny, okay? I’m just going to help you.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“It’ll be over soon,” she reassured, and then she took over.

Keagan watched in curious fascination as she expertly took over, as if she’d done this a dozen times (which, to be honest, she probably had). Her hands worked to dress the wounds and bandage them properly. It was clear that she had some kind of history in working with this kind of thing- she never flinched once.

Suddenly, the door banged open, and Keagan felt icy cold dread flood his veins.

No one was supposed to see this.

He pushed forward, uncaring of how he startled Alex, and forced her back. “Peter, the hell’s going on in here?” the father- Richard, apparently- demanded, freezing when he saw his son’s bruised, bandaged body sitting on the floor.

“Oh, Peter, what happened, buddy?” his face softened as he crouched to the body’s level, carefully inspecting the wounds. Keagan flinched a little at the pain.

“Just some boys at school,” he said, trying to keep his cool even as his instincts screamed at him to run away, to hide.

“Pete, this is so much more than kids at school- this- this isn’t normal, buddy, especially not for kids your age.”

“Not my age,” he mumbled.

Richard’s face paled a little. “What-”

“Fifth.”

“Oh, buddy-”

Keagan suppressed the urge to violently flinch when Richard’s careful arms came up to wrap around him in a hug. “You took care of these surprisingly well. How long-” he gulped. “How long have you been…”

“I dunno. Whole year, I think.”

Richard gulped, nodding.

“Okay- okay kiddo. Let’s go back to your bedroom now, and you can sleep this off, ‘kay? I’m gonna go talk to mommy about this while you rest up.”

Keagan nodded.

The rest of the day passed in a blur, and he couldn’t quite recall when exactly he retreated back into the inner world.

God, he hoped Peter’s suffering would come to an end soon.

He hated how he couldn’t do anything but hope.  
.  
.  
.  
Keagan and Iron Man didn’t get along, and Keagan didn’t think they were supposed to.

If Keagan hadn’t been prepared to be jealous of Alex, the literal kindest woman in the entirety of Queens, he was definitely not prepared for how intense his jealousy for Iron Man would be.

He was the system’s protector, not Iron Man. He didn’t need anyone else’s help- he was fine with Harry and Alex, he’d even grown to like them. He didn’t want to add anyone else.

Unfortunately, that’s not what Peter’s subconscious seemed to think, because suddenly, Iron Man was there.

Keagan couldn’t stop his seething, burning envy for Iron Man. He _loathed_ how he wasn’t needed anymore, how he couldn’t protect Peter or the system or the body anymore. He took it out on others- he stopped talking to Harry, he snapped at Alex, and he violently lashed out every time Iron Man so much as came near him.

Iron Man thought of him as a foolish kid. Keagan thought of him as an annoying, egotistical jerk.

So he focused all of his energy and time into keeping the system from being able to access anything. He pushed Iron Man away, blocked him off, refused to let him go anywhere other than a few blocks near the edge of Queens. He blocked off every memory he could, refusing to listen to Alex’s frantic pleading and Iron Man’s furious shouting. Iron Man wasn’t allowed to see what had happened to Peter when he was little- that was for him and _him alone._

Keagan never thought he was doing the right thing, but he did it anyway, and he ignored anyone who protested against it.

He didn’t need anyone else, or so he thought.

But then Harry went dormant.

It happened out of nowhere- suddenly, he was torn away from them. It was like he’d fallen into a deep, deep sleep, and Keagan suddenly couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t see his memories, couldn’t rely on him to help anymore. Suddenly, the only person who he tolerated, who he _listened_ to, was gone.

And Keagan could do nothing but wallow in his self-hatred.  
.  
.  
.  
Skip happened.

Keagan hated himself even more.

He blocked off the memories. He dealt with every touch, every disgusting whisper, every pet name, every clean-up afterwards, and he didn’t mind- or at least, he told himself that.

Peter realized something was happening, and soon enough, Skip was gone.

But somehow, Keagan felt even more disgusted with himself. He should have stopped it from ever happening, but he didn’t.

Iron Man yelled at him for letting it go on for so long, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.  
.  
.  
.  
Keagan tried to keep Peter from knowing, from unearthing the horrible, disgusting memories and throwing them out into the open for everyone to see, but eventually, he couldn’t anymore.

Peter knew something was wrong.

Keagan tried to stop him from telling May.

Everyone was there, waiting in anxious anticipation as Peter struggled to open his mouth.

“No! Don’t say anything!” He screamed, guilt creeping up inside when Peter flinched.  
“It’s all under control,” Spider-Man agreed.

“No! Peter, you need help,” Alex begged. Tears of betrayal pricked in Keagan’s eyes.  
“Please ask!” Alex’s son- a three-year-old who barely talked- yelled.

Keagan didn’t even try to stop the bitterness that crept into every fiber of his being when Iron Man chimed in with that stupidly-annoying metallic voice, “He’ll be safer if he tells her.”

“No! Everything will be ruined if he opens his mouth!” Keagan shrieked, shoving the rest of them back, pushing his way to the front as fast as he possibly could.

Peter turned to his aunt.

“May? I think…”

No… no, no! This could not be happening!

“NO!”

Peter gulped. “I think something’s wrong with me.”

Keagan’s entire world came crashing down around him.  
.  
.  
.  
Keagan tried to be understanding.

He tried, and he tried, and it seemed like he did _nothing but try._ He tried to talk to Alex, tried to keep the trauma from resurfacing, tried to tolerate Iron Man, tried to deal with all of the changes that came with going to therapy.

He tried, but it was hard. _God,_ it was so hard.

He tried not to repress the memories like he’d done all these years. He tried to trust their therapist. He tried to talk to May and Ned and Tony.

But it was clear he wasn’t wanted. Who wanted an alter who did nothing but prevent others from knowing things?

So he tried to build up a wall between himself and the others.

He tried to ignore them.

He tried so hard not to care about Alex, about Finley, about Spider-Man, about _Peter,_ hell, even about Iron Man.

He tried to ignore Alex’s pleads. He tried to ignore Finley’s concerned little gaze (the one that reminded him so much of Peter). He tried to ignore Peter’s attempts to contact him.

Maybe it was better this way, he thought.

He didn’t know how wrong he was.  
.  
.  
.  
Keagan tried to accept their new lifestyle.

He tried to follow Peter and Spider-Man’s schedule. He tried to let them in. He tried not to block off so much, to let Iron Man or Alex in when they needed to be.

But after years of blocking them off, it was hard.

So he decided to go to therapy- maybe it would help, he thought.

“I take it I’m not talking to Peter today?” the therapist asked as he blinked away the dizziness from the switch, the fake kindness on her face seeping through. He scowled. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“No, you’re not.”

“Can I ask who I’m speaking to?”

Keagan stayed silent, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back, spreading his legs out to take up as much room as possible.

The therapist sighed.

“I’m assuming you’re not Alex?”

“No.”

“Spider-Man?”

Keagan snorted.

“Iron Man?”

He scoffed, offended. “Bold of you to call me Iron Man.”

The therapist nodded. “Nice to meet you, Keagan,” she stuck out a hand. He stared, dumbstruck.

“How-”

“Alex told me your give-aways,” she smiled, setting her hand back down on her lap.

Keagan sighed. “Of course she did.”

“So, any reason you’re fronting today?” she asked, tapping her pen annoyingly against her clipboard. He gritted his teeth at the noise and shot a scowl at her.

“No.”

She frowned. “There must be some reason why you’re out. Alex told me that you’re the system’s gatekeeper.”

“The fuck is that?”

She pursed her lips, undisturbed by his crude language, and twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “A gatekeeper is someone who keeps things from the system. They might block off memories or places inside the inner world, or they might prevent certain alters from knowing about the existence of other alters.”

Keagan blinked, confused, then came to a realization. “You’re saying there’s a _term,_ like an _actual physical term,_ for being a dick?”

She snorted. “I wouldn’t call it that, Keagan,” she smiled lightly, “it’s more of a defense mechanism.”

“Defense against what?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you felt threatened by someone, or maybe there would be consequences if anyone found out you were part of a system.”

Keagan bit his lip.

“So, um…” he looked at the ground, uncharacteristically quiet, “how can I… learn to work with them? About this? I don’t want to be a burden to them anymore. I’m tired of always feeling like I have to keep things from them.”

“That’s between you and your system,” she explained, and when he sighed in disappointment, she continued. “You should probably try opening up to them a little bit. You don’t have to tell them everything right away- actually, I’d advise against telling them everything. Some memories are better left untouched. Anyway. You should start small.”

“Start small?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “maybe tell them your favorite color. Talk to an alter you haven’t talked to recently. Let more people into your life. Little things lead to big things, Keagan.”

Keagan drummed his fingers against his arm, brows upturned in contemplation and worry. He’d spent years building up walls of amnesia between traumatic memories, burying them away so they’d never be found, ignoring everyone, snapping and being rude to everyone who tried to get in his way. Was it really possible that they even could accept him at this point?

_“Keagan.”_

He jumped. The therapist- he still didn’t know her damn name- cocked her head. He ignored her (like how he ignored everyone else).

_‘Peter?’_

Keagan’s hands lit up with warmth- it was a strange feeling. Was Peter… happy, or something?

_“Yeah, it’s me,”_ Peter answered, the smile evident in his voice. _“Nobody hates you. We just wanna get to know you better!”_

Keagan’s eyes pricked with tears. _‘Why? I’m- Peter, I’ve been a dick to you, to everyone, why would they want to get to know me?!’“You’re a part of our system- a part of our family,”_ Peter said, _“You’ve only wanted what’s best for me, and I… I can appreciate that, even if you didn’t go about it in the best way possible.”_

Keagan barked out a teary laugh. _‘That’s the understatement of the century.’_

Keagan could feel Peter frown- being co-conscious was such a weird feeling. _“Keagan, we… we love you, okay? Alex doesn’t blame you, and neither does Iron Man. We’re willing to work with you on this. We’re willing to help you put in the effort to improve our communication.”_

Keagan sniffled, biting his lip when he felt it quiver.

_“Are you willing to put in the effort too?”_

Keagan sobbed. He waited a moment, then two, and nodded slowly.

His body- the body?- lit up with warmth.

_“We’re looking forward to working with you,”_ Peter grinned.

He sniffed, wiping his eyes.

_‘Me too, Pete.’_

Peter smiled again, leaving a fuzzy, tingling sensation in Keagan’s hands, before Keagan felt his presence fade, and suddenly he was alone again in the therapist’s office, pointedly ignoring her curious (and perhaps concerned) gaze.

“Keagan? You with me?” she asked, reaching out to offer a tissue.

He sniffed, swiping it from her hand and using it to wipe his eyes. “Yeah. Just had to work something out real quick.”

She smiled. “That’s perfectly alright. So, are you ready to get started on some communication exercises?”

He nodded, inhaling a shaky breath.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

Maybe Keagan wasn’t a good person, but with time, maybe he could learn to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:
> 
> Gatekeeper: as explained by the therapist [Dr. Kelly, but that isn't said in the story], a gatekeeper is an alter who keeps information from the others. They will often block off memories, parts of the inner world, or will prevent specific alters from knowing that there are others. They will often become defensive or even lash out if someone tries to access something that they've blocked off.
> 
> Keagan is a gatekeeper. He prevents Iron Man from knowing about Spider-Man, blocks Iron Man from being able to access most of the inner world, blocks memories off from most of the alters, and prevents Peter from knowing about the system.
> 
> Primary: A primary _____ is an alter who is the, well, primary alter when it comes to that specific role. For example, Iron Man is the system's primary protector, meaning that in most cases, he's the system's protector.
> 
> Secondary: A seconday _____ is an alter who is the secondary alter when it comes to that specific role. For example, Keagan is the secondary protector, meaning that, in some cases but not most, he's the system's protector. He protects the system from sexual trauma.
> 
> Inner World: The world inside the headspace; there can be a very detailed one, a simple one that isn't very detailed, or there can even be no inner world at all. In this story, the inner world is in New York City, specifically Queens, although some alters are able to go outside of Queens and into other places such as Brooklyn or Manhattan.
> 
> Co-Conscious: When two or more alters share the headspace at the same time. In this story, Peter becomes co-conscious with Keagan during their therapy session. He is not able to control the body [which would be co-fronting], but he is able to communicate with Keagan, see what's happening outside, and can read his mood and even share his emotions with him.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! I really enjoy all of your positive feedback!! Again, please let me know if I'm getting anything wrong or being offensive in any way.
> 
> Thank you!
> 
> -Pat <3


End file.
